Depression and Suicide with M.E. (life with M.E.)

Full blog discussion.
Alison/Tink; Death by M.E. is not such a rarity as people think. M.E. also lessens life expectancy, yet there is another avenue that raises the death rate. Suicide.

This year, National Suicide Prevention Week is September 8 -14 2013, and September 10th 2013 is world suicide prevention day.

Given that statistically, "In the developing world, Suicide now takes more lives than war, murder and natural disasters combined", [Reference Twloha, reference link,
http://twloha.com/news/newsweek-covers-suicide-epidemic ] how much harder can life be then, if you are ill too.

When I saw our blog stats recently, it did not surprise me that our little blog about Suicide Awareness 2012 was our highest viewed non-discussion post, and by far. For life with M.E., for some, can be literally unbearable.

I am about to admit something here to you, our valued readers, that I have only broached with two people- one a friend who confided in me that she was considering suicide, and the other being Jodi when we broached the possibility of doing a blog about this subject.

For a long time, I considered suicide. Literally, for a few years solid, I would think about it, plan it, think about all the little ins and outs, every single day. Not because every day I was considering doing it that actual day, but because it was almost a form of hope for me, that this world of agony could stop, for myself, and to me, more importantly for my family.

I would wonder how my family could possibly love me if they wanted my life to continue like that.

But things slowly eased.
When I say slowly, I mean so slowly that I didn't see it was happening for a good 3 or 4 years.

Jodi: I'm so glad you're no longer in quite such a desperate situation Alison and no longer thinking actively of suicide in any way. I hope your being so brave in talking about your personal history with this issue will help other patients that have felt the same way. Or that feel that way now. ((((Alison)))))

I have not been suicidal myself, but I have spoken to many very ill people that are or have been. When one is so so desperately ill and enduring so much suffering each day for years on end, sometimes all you can think is 'I need this to stop.' What we all actually want, suicidal or not, when we have severe M.E. is to get well, of course. Or at least a bit more well. That's the option and choice we are really desperate for, to start LIVING again and to stop existing in what for many severe M.E. patients is best described as a living death.

M.E. patients that are suicidal are not feeling this way due to depression and the lack of interest in life that is such a big part of it. What is unbearable is wanting so much to live and physically not being able to. It is quite a different issue.

This hellish state that may lead to suicidal thoughts is often made worse by lack of family or other needed supports. That level of the suffering at least, some people have a lot of control over right now. I'm talking about the friends and family of those with severe M.E.

If you are reading this and you are close to someone with M.E. I would urge you to please check out the M.E. facts on the HFME website. You can make a significant difference to the life of the person you know with M.E. just by doing a little high-quality reading and gaining a bit of understanding. The difference you make could be enormous. Even life-saving.
You might like to start with: So you know someone with M.E.? It is a very non-scary or overwhelming place to start reading I promise!

http://www.hfme.org/soyouknowsomeonewithme.htm

Alison: You are absolutely right about what leads an M.E. sufferer to suicidal ideations. There is a very clear and vital difference between depression in a healthy person, depression in an ill person, and causational depression in either. Or very separately, too much suffering without any depression.

I am not saying I would never consider it again, because I simply do not know what my future may bring. But I do now know that things can change, for a lucky few. That's probably one of the hardest things with this illness, not knowing if you are one of these lucky ones whose lives can with time become slightly more bearable, in whatever way, that living is just about conceivable, or if you are one for that life, when it gets to the worst it can get, will never ease.

What I can say, is that myself and Jodi are always here for you, for anything. These are no words for comfort or well-meaningness, but genuine offers.

The sole reason I have never spoken about my past struggles, is absolutely not about being ashamed, or such like. It very much stems from the fact that I was sent to psychologists and psychiatrists by doctors not believing I was physically ill because they at that time ignorantly didn't know how to test for the testable/diagnosable/measurable illness we have and didn't bother testing me for others I also have. I never wanted to feed their misconceived notion that my ill health, my M.E., was predicated on any mental state, because it wasn't. I wasn't depressed, didn't have anxiety, and had no mental health issues. The suicidal ideation came much further into my life purely and simply as a consequence from such extremes of physical suffering and an extremely limited life. And so any emotions, feelings or thoughts that I have ever had since that were/are not completely happy clappy, which lets be clear are completely healthy in any life, I have kept to myself. I wish it were different sometimes.

Jodi: It makes it an even more complicated issue doesn't it Alison. (Rhetorical question!)

Add to that too the fact that those most in need of someone impersonal to vent to or other types of talking therapies are often in such a terrible state because they are too ill to speak or be spoken to or spend time in company in the first place! They are also those most in need of and most physically unable to even talk to friends to try and ease the pressure. It is just such an awful situation. When you're at your most ill and in need of support or a few friendly words even, if when you are least able to get them.

Another issue is that mood problems can be exacerbated by physical factors related to M.E. or secondary effects of M.E. This can range from hypoglycaemia or eating a high sugar diet causing anxiety and a racing heartbeat to actual symptoms of depression caused by vitamin or fatty acid deficiencies. When these issues occur alongside suicidal ideation it can understandably confuse the issue further for patients. It is absolutely not the total answer for M.E. patients considering suicide but I would strongly urge patients - if they can - to investigate treating any physical causes of mood issues etc. before assuming everything is directly related to their living situation being very difficult for anyone to cope with. It may well be a little of both problems and not all one or the other. You may like to read the paper on treating the causes of physical mental health issues on my new health website for more information on this. (Or not!)

http://www.hhhummingbirds.com/mental-health-and-nutrition

Alison:Thanks for that info Jodi. Great information there!!

I know a lot of people who say suicide is a sin, and the most selfish thing a person could ever do, because of the people left behind. But when you are in that place, where the world is so excruciating, so dark, that you could not possibly see a reason to fight to stay, you then believe your family and friends would be better off without you here, that they would be free. But this is not true. You are so meaningful to this world, even if you can not see it.

We see you, your worth and beauty.
If it is at all possible, please don't give up.

Jodi: Things can get better even when it is the last thing that seems like it will happen. It happened to me. Family members can, sometimes, over time start treating you a lot better or even very well. (When their mistreatment comes from a lack of understanding they can be educated if you are lucky. It can really turn around. But mistreatment from bullying motives is very different of course.) Or you may make a new good friend that treats you well and adds a lot to your life. Or your health may very slowly start improving as the years pass. Even if all these things wont happen to everyone I feel we all need to hold onto an unbreakable hope that we will all be the lucky ones. Where there is life there has to be hope!

Know that you are not alone and even if you feel as weak as a kitten right now, you are so strong to have lived through as much as you have. Please never give up.
Alison/Tink; So, as we conclude this blog discussion, please know that the subject is never closed, that you can contact us to chat about this, or anything else, any time.

My (Alison/Tink) email is contactalisonlouisebell@gmailcom and mobile for text or voicemail is 07971151438 or internationally +447971151438

You matter. We individually empathise and sympathise with your suffering. We are here to listen.

If it is at all possible, please don't take your life through suicide.

Best Wishes, Much Love and Blessings

The Tinkerbelle and Hummingbird M.E. Blog x x